,
This is my favorite song as of now, even though it makes me cry EVERY time I listen to it. I guess in some weird kind of way it makes me feel closer to Kory, and it gives me the chance to get some tears out. Personally, I don't think a few tears now and then are such a bad thing. It lets out a little of the emotion so I don't get overwhelmed with it. I usually listen to this song when it's quiet at night and the kids are in bed. I put my head phones on turn it up, and just let them out if I need to. Another song I listen to is Killswitch Engage "End of Heartache" Kory and I would turn it up super loud in his truck and kinda rock out to it. It's this totally hard core rock song, but we call it ours. My favorite line in it says "my only desire, to bridge our division" I couldn't put it in any better words. When I get frustrated or stressed or I miss him so bad I want to scream I put it on as loud as I can. And yes, sometimes I do scream (into the pillow) or kick my feet in tantrum just a little, and yes, it makes me feel a little better.
Today is a temper tantrum day, well it would be if I had the energy. It's one of those nights where I want miss and need him so bad it hurts in my soul. It's one of those nights where just crawling into bed next to him could erase all the stress and burden of the day. The house is too quiet tonight, my bed is too empty tonight, he is too far away tonight. And there is nothing I can do about it. I wish I could just pick up the phone and call him, I know he would say something to make me laugh like he always does, and I would forget how far away he is.
I don't want to sit here and dwell on Kory being gone, and how much I miss him, and how bad this sucks. But at the same time, I don't not want to think about it. I don't want to not miss him, I don't want to not think about him constantly, or cry when all I want is to feel his arms around me. If I think about him being so far away, I'm sad, but if I try not to think about it, I feel like he is even farther away. To me this is one of the hard parts of this whole thing. It's a double edged sword, you know, people say, "stay positive" "he'll be home before you know it!" (this one in particular confuses me, no matter how you slice it, a year away from the man you love is a LONG time) "just don't think about it" yada yada yada.... I do think positive, I think of the time we had together, and the things we have to look forward to, but that just gets me started thinking of him and how bad I just want him here with me. The bottom line is, you can't not worry, and you can't not miss them when their gone. And I don't want to push those feelings away, I don't want him to feel any farther away from me than he already is.
So please, don't get me wrong, I am not sitting here whining about how much I miss my man, I am simply letting out the emotions, and keeping him as close to me as possible through this crap of a year.
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