It's only been a month since Kory left, but I'm learning a little about what it really means to love a soldier. To me it means...
Being stronger than you ever thought possible.
Lot's of trips to the post office.
Wearing his dog tags around your neck, and close to your heart.
Your new cuddle buddy is the dog, or the pillow, or anything that you can wrap your arms around.
Not watching the news for a year.
Your heart skipping a beat everytime the phone rings.
Learning what patience REALLY is.
Callouses on your fingers from all the letters you write.
Putting the song that reminds you of him on repeat as loud as it goes.
Chocolate, lots of chocolate, and ice cream, and donuts.
Reading his messages to you over and over
Being slightly more jealous of PDA and other couples than you'd like to admit.
Replacing worry and fear with prayer.
You can no longer listen to most Country music without crying, at least a little.
Getting excited for sleep, in case you get lucky and dream of him.
Waiting, waiting, waiting.
Counting down the days till you can hug him again.
Holding bacl your tears till he hangs up the phone.
Feeling the miles disappear the second you hear his voice.
Loving him with everything you have in you.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Before I loved a soldier, it was just an hour, it was just a phone call, it was just another day.
This morning it was 3600 seconds, and I loved every single one of them.
This morning it was not just a phone call, it was not "just" anything
This morning it was everything.
This morning his voice, his laugh, his "I love you baby" was everything I needed to face this day, to get through another week of waiting and worrying and missing him. It came at the best possible time, I had a rough few days and there were so many emotions and thoughts going through me. The burden I was carrying was getting almost unbearable. And then, the phone rang and just like that the burden was lighter, the day ahead no longer daunting.. It amazes me how he can make me feel so loved, so safe, and so comfortable from so far away. It amazes me that one little phone call can take me from stressed, sad, lonely and overwhelmed, to bursting with love and happiness. As soon as I heard his voice on the other end a smile came across my lips, and it will be there all day.
Some days I'm overwhelmed with the stress of the day, the burdens of being a single mother, and this whole dang deployment thing. But days like today I'm overwhelmed with how much I love this man, and how powerful it is in both our lives. He makes me laugh, takes the burden off my shoulders, and reminds me of how amazing my life will be when he is finally home.
Back before I fell in love with a soldier I took the simple things like a phone call, a kiss, a conversation, for granted. Loving Kory has taught me to be grateful for so many things. I will never again take love for granted. I will cherish every hug from my girls, every smile and talk with a friend, every phone call from far away, every "I love you". When the man you love is halfway across the world you learn that the simple things aren't so simple anymore. They are gifts to be held close to your heart.
Sadly, this week there are a few families who will never get another phone call from their own soldiers. They won't ever get another hug, another smile, or the opportunity to say good bye. Before Kory left, I made sure to drink it all in. I took as many pictures as I could, memorized the way his hand felt in mine, the shape of his lips, the feeling of complete happiness I had waking up next to him. Now, I have to just make sure I make the most of every minute I get to talk to him, every email, and every I love you he says. It may not be much to other people, but to me, it's everything, and it's more than enough to get me through this year.
So yes, a phone call made my day, in fact it made my whole week. I am so thankful for all 3600 seconds I got with Kory this morning and look forward to my next phone call. I have an amazing man who loves me, and selflessly serves our country. Some times it's a lot to handle, but I love my life as an army fiance.
This morning it was 3600 seconds, and I loved every single one of them.
This morning it was not just a phone call, it was not "just" anything
This morning it was everything.
This morning his voice, his laugh, his "I love you baby" was everything I needed to face this day, to get through another week of waiting and worrying and missing him. It came at the best possible time, I had a rough few days and there were so many emotions and thoughts going through me. The burden I was carrying was getting almost unbearable. And then, the phone rang and just like that the burden was lighter, the day ahead no longer daunting.. It amazes me how he can make me feel so loved, so safe, and so comfortable from so far away. It amazes me that one little phone call can take me from stressed, sad, lonely and overwhelmed, to bursting with love and happiness. As soon as I heard his voice on the other end a smile came across my lips, and it will be there all day.
Some days I'm overwhelmed with the stress of the day, the burdens of being a single mother, and this whole dang deployment thing. But days like today I'm overwhelmed with how much I love this man, and how powerful it is in both our lives. He makes me laugh, takes the burden off my shoulders, and reminds me of how amazing my life will be when he is finally home.
Back before I fell in love with a soldier I took the simple things like a phone call, a kiss, a conversation, for granted. Loving Kory has taught me to be grateful for so many things. I will never again take love for granted. I will cherish every hug from my girls, every smile and talk with a friend, every phone call from far away, every "I love you". When the man you love is halfway across the world you learn that the simple things aren't so simple anymore. They are gifts to be held close to your heart.
Sadly, this week there are a few families who will never get another phone call from their own soldiers. They won't ever get another hug, another smile, or the opportunity to say good bye. Before Kory left, I made sure to drink it all in. I took as many pictures as I could, memorized the way his hand felt in mine, the shape of his lips, the feeling of complete happiness I had waking up next to him. Now, I have to just make sure I make the most of every minute I get to talk to him, every email, and every I love you he says. It may not be much to other people, but to me, it's everything, and it's more than enough to get me through this year.
So yes, a phone call made my day, in fact it made my whole week. I am so thankful for all 3600 seconds I got with Kory this morning and look forward to my next phone call. I have an amazing man who loves me, and selflessly serves our country. Some times it's a lot to handle, but I love my life as an army fiance.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
It'll Be All OK (Soldier's Song) YouTube Exclusive Original Song by JC V...
,
This is my favorite song as of now, even though it makes me cry EVERY time I listen to it. I guess in some weird kind of way it makes me feel closer to Kory, and it gives me the chance to get some tears out. Personally, I don't think a few tears now and then are such a bad thing. It lets out a little of the emotion so I don't get overwhelmed with it. I usually listen to this song when it's quiet at night and the kids are in bed. I put my head phones on turn it up, and just let them out if I need to. Another song I listen to is Killswitch Engage "End of Heartache" Kory and I would turn it up super loud in his truck and kinda rock out to it. It's this totally hard core rock song, but we call it ours. My favorite line in it says "my only desire, to bridge our division" I couldn't put it in any better words. When I get frustrated or stressed or I miss him so bad I want to scream I put it on as loud as I can. And yes, sometimes I do scream (into the pillow) or kick my feet in tantrum just a little, and yes, it makes me feel a little better.
Today is a temper tantrum day, well it would be if I had the energy. It's one of those nights where I want miss and need him so bad it hurts in my soul. It's one of those nights where just crawling into bed next to him could erase all the stress and burden of the day. The house is too quiet tonight, my bed is too empty tonight, he is too far away tonight. And there is nothing I can do about it. I wish I could just pick up the phone and call him, I know he would say something to make me laugh like he always does, and I would forget how far away he is.
I don't want to sit here and dwell on Kory being gone, and how much I miss him, and how bad this sucks. But at the same time, I don't not want to think about it. I don't want to not miss him, I don't want to not think about him constantly, or cry when all I want is to feel his arms around me. If I think about him being so far away, I'm sad, but if I try not to think about it, I feel like he is even farther away. To me this is one of the hard parts of this whole thing. It's a double edged sword, you know, people say, "stay positive" "he'll be home before you know it!" (this one in particular confuses me, no matter how you slice it, a year away from the man you love is a LONG time) "just don't think about it" yada yada yada.... I do think positive, I think of the time we had together, and the things we have to look forward to, but that just gets me started thinking of him and how bad I just want him here with me. The bottom line is, you can't not worry, and you can't not miss them when their gone. And I don't want to push those feelings away, I don't want him to feel any farther away from me than he already is.
So please, don't get me wrong, I am not sitting here whining about how much I miss my man, I am simply letting out the emotions, and keeping him as close to me as possible through this crap of a year.
This is my favorite song as of now, even though it makes me cry EVERY time I listen to it. I guess in some weird kind of way it makes me feel closer to Kory, and it gives me the chance to get some tears out. Personally, I don't think a few tears now and then are such a bad thing. It lets out a little of the emotion so I don't get overwhelmed with it. I usually listen to this song when it's quiet at night and the kids are in bed. I put my head phones on turn it up, and just let them out if I need to. Another song I listen to is Killswitch Engage "End of Heartache" Kory and I would turn it up super loud in his truck and kinda rock out to it. It's this totally hard core rock song, but we call it ours. My favorite line in it says "my only desire, to bridge our division" I couldn't put it in any better words. When I get frustrated or stressed or I miss him so bad I want to scream I put it on as loud as I can. And yes, sometimes I do scream (into the pillow) or kick my feet in tantrum just a little, and yes, it makes me feel a little better.
Today is a temper tantrum day, well it would be if I had the energy. It's one of those nights where I want miss and need him so bad it hurts in my soul. It's one of those nights where just crawling into bed next to him could erase all the stress and burden of the day. The house is too quiet tonight, my bed is too empty tonight, he is too far away tonight. And there is nothing I can do about it. I wish I could just pick up the phone and call him, I know he would say something to make me laugh like he always does, and I would forget how far away he is.
I don't want to sit here and dwell on Kory being gone, and how much I miss him, and how bad this sucks. But at the same time, I don't not want to think about it. I don't want to not miss him, I don't want to not think about him constantly, or cry when all I want is to feel his arms around me. If I think about him being so far away, I'm sad, but if I try not to think about it, I feel like he is even farther away. To me this is one of the hard parts of this whole thing. It's a double edged sword, you know, people say, "stay positive" "he'll be home before you know it!" (this one in particular confuses me, no matter how you slice it, a year away from the man you love is a LONG time) "just don't think about it" yada yada yada.... I do think positive, I think of the time we had together, and the things we have to look forward to, but that just gets me started thinking of him and how bad I just want him here with me. The bottom line is, you can't not worry, and you can't not miss them when their gone. And I don't want to push those feelings away, I don't want him to feel any farther away from me than he already is.
So please, don't get me wrong, I am not sitting here whining about how much I miss my man, I am simply letting out the emotions, and keeping him as close to me as possible through this crap of a year.
Three weeks down..
Our year apart began at a Greyhound station. We said our goodbye at six thirty in the morning, and I could barely see through my tears. A bus station, by the way is the very worst place to say a good bye, at least in my opinion. Forty six hours on that bus is an even worse way to spend your first days apart. After taking a bus from Colorado to Michigan, I came to the conclusion that if there is a "Hell" those people damned to it are sent to ride on a Greyhound for the rest of eternity. At one point I was convinced I was already there, it felt like I was never going to get off that bus. I think that point was when it was 105 and the air conditioning on the bus broke. I can't even begin to describe the stench, 50 sweaty crabby bus people and no way of even opening a window? Hell. That's the only way I can describe it.
There were some interesting moments, like when the very large lady with vomit on her shirt, started brushing her imaginary teeth with her imaginary toothbrush, or when the hippy in the row behind me realized he missed his stop two states back, and started yelling at anyone who would listen because they didn't wake him up. There were ex cons (or possibly current cons) comparing prison stories, smitten bus drivers, people talking to themselves, even a man who somehow managed to bang his head on the seat every 12 seconds for 18 hours and 56 minutes straight (yes, sadly I took the time to figure that out, there isn't much else to do on a bus). It was miserable, scary, and lonely, and every mile took me farther away from the man I love.
It's been a month since I last saw Kory, three weeks since he left for Afghanistan, and five days since I've heard his voice. I knew going into this that it wouldn't be easy, and it definitely isn't. Some days are easier than others, but mostly it just plain sucks. It's hardest when I lay in bed at night and have nothing to occupy my thoughts. I welcome sleep so the worry and lonely go away, and if I get lucky I see him in my dreams. There are times when I'd give anything just to talk to him, to share my day with him and laugh at his crazy shenanigans. I've already learned though that you can want something with all your heart and still have no way of getting it. So, I try to fill my day with as much as possible to pass the time.
I have to remember that I chose this, I chose a man who serves our country, a man who gave up his freedom to fight for ours. I chose to love a soldier, and that means accepting that this is a way of life now. I know though, that we will get through this, stronger than ever. I will kick this deployment's butt, even if it takes me a year to do it.
I thought being a single mom was tough, add to that being the fiance of a deployed soldier... I should have a Super woman patch! Or at least a cape, a cape would be cool. I could be "Super Single Mommy slash Army Fiance"...kicking deployments butt, and keeping the house clean, one laundry basket at a time! I dare someone to cross my path. If I can handle this, I can handle anything.
It's not easy, working, taking care of two kids, trying to keep the house clean, pay the bills and send packages on a very small paycheck, dropping everything for a phone call that's over too quickly. It is something I wouldn't trade for the world though, and it's worth it every step of the way. And, at the end of the day I still have someone to cuddle with, (although she kicks and steals the covers more than Kory) I have so many things to smile about, and two girls who keep me laughing. It's not an easy life, but it's ours, and when this year is over my heart will be so happy it won't remember how hard it was. For now though today is one more day down, and one step closer to him.
There were some interesting moments, like when the very large lady with vomit on her shirt, started brushing her imaginary teeth with her imaginary toothbrush, or when the hippy in the row behind me realized he missed his stop two states back, and started yelling at anyone who would listen because they didn't wake him up. There were ex cons (or possibly current cons) comparing prison stories, smitten bus drivers, people talking to themselves, even a man who somehow managed to bang his head on the seat every 12 seconds for 18 hours and 56 minutes straight (yes, sadly I took the time to figure that out, there isn't much else to do on a bus). It was miserable, scary, and lonely, and every mile took me farther away from the man I love.
It's been a month since I last saw Kory, three weeks since he left for Afghanistan, and five days since I've heard his voice. I knew going into this that it wouldn't be easy, and it definitely isn't. Some days are easier than others, but mostly it just plain sucks. It's hardest when I lay in bed at night and have nothing to occupy my thoughts. I welcome sleep so the worry and lonely go away, and if I get lucky I see him in my dreams. There are times when I'd give anything just to talk to him, to share my day with him and laugh at his crazy shenanigans. I've already learned though that you can want something with all your heart and still have no way of getting it. So, I try to fill my day with as much as possible to pass the time.
I have to remember that I chose this, I chose a man who serves our country, a man who gave up his freedom to fight for ours. I chose to love a soldier, and that means accepting that this is a way of life now. I know though, that we will get through this, stronger than ever. I will kick this deployment's butt, even if it takes me a year to do it.
I thought being a single mom was tough, add to that being the fiance of a deployed soldier... I should have a Super woman patch! Or at least a cape, a cape would be cool. I could be "Super Single Mommy slash Army Fiance"...kicking deployments butt, and keeping the house clean, one laundry basket at a time! I dare someone to cross my path. If I can handle this, I can handle anything.
It's not easy, working, taking care of two kids, trying to keep the house clean, pay the bills and send packages on a very small paycheck, dropping everything for a phone call that's over too quickly. It is something I wouldn't trade for the world though, and it's worth it every step of the way. And, at the end of the day I still have someone to cuddle with, (although she kicks and steals the covers more than Kory) I have so many things to smile about, and two girls who keep me laughing. It's not an easy life, but it's ours, and when this year is over my heart will be so happy it won't remember how hard it was. For now though today is one more day down, and one step closer to him.
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